


ocean eyes and finish line.

by hsjworld



Category: ENHYPEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M, also soobin is jungwons brother, archive kinda gives it out sorry, friends to lovers to exes to lovers?, heehoon and sunki established, jake best friend, just read it, mention of gfriend yuju, mentioned of txt beomgyu, nct jisung and tbz eric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:28:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28913106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hsjworld/pseuds/hsjworld
Summary: "I don't know how long is forever, but I want to be with you even way beyond that"
Relationships: Kim Sunoo/Nishimura Riki | Ni-ki, Lee Heeseung/Park Sunghoon, Park Jongseong | Jay & Yang Jungwon, Park Jongseong | Jay/Yang Jungwon, Shim Jaeyoon | Jake/Everyone
Comments: 25
Kudos: 56





	ocean eyes and finish line.

**Author's Note:**

> breathes in. 
> 
> my first ever fic that I am posting here so I am quite nervous. I honestly have no idea how this will turn out since I just kept writing and writing until I decided to end it. if this brings you tears please don't kword me, but if it doesn't then !!! welcome to the club of ppl who lacks emotion and loves pain HEART EYES.
> 
>   
> this is sort of like a trial for me since I'm still trying to explore my writing style. there would be a lot grammar mistakes since writing isn't really my forte so spare me on this one. 
> 
> anyways, enjoy the jaywon.

☆

**new moon**

jay stares at the view in front of him. being on the top of the building has its perks indeed. the feeling of tranquility washes over his mind as he admires how sunset is one of the most beautiful paintings nature has ever painted. it speaks about hope for a new beginning and love. 

jay laughs at the notion of romance. not bitterly, but just as he thought his first will also be his last, it didn't really happen. it makes him rather lost and empty, and yet he may not know the exact reason for their downfall, but he's content with what they had. 

the moment the sun fell into a deep slumber, his phone vibrates incessantly on the table and had no choice, but to answer. he knew who it was. 

shim jake– the guy who persistently tries to get him to attend every events he hosts (that ends up being worse than a club) 

"mr. shim, if you are calling me again in regards to attending your parties– _no_ " he sternly says without any hesitation. he hears the guy on the other line scoffs from his sudden professional approach. 

"you are no fun, jongseong-ie! and please stop the fake formality. you curse at me with every chance you have even just for breathing," jay pursed his lips and leans back on his chair.

"mr. shim my ass, dude," jake adds.

"what more do you want jaeyoon? or else I will end the call," jay asks in a hoarse tone. 

"that's the jay I know! anyways, please come to my party– i mean hangout. no large crowd whatsoever. it will be just the usual group" he pauses, "jay _please_...just this one and I will completely disappear from your own planet" 

"I can exactly picture what you look like right now. stop pouting and please keep that promise, or I will make you disappear myself," jake laughs hysterically and just ends the call with no added explanation why is he suddenly trying to rekindle the group as a whole. 

it has been months, or even _years_ since they last hang out as a big group. only on his part, jay believes. 

he meets up with some of them one on one, or in a tiny group of three. it's either by accident, planned, or business. 

he closes his eyes, and ponders why this is suddenly giving him an adrenaline rush. he feels excited? or nervous? _or what?_

for unknown reasons, he tried listing his friends' names down just to try and suspect who in the group is capable of making him feel this way _again._

[X] heeseung 

_unlikely. saw him two days ago_

[X] sunghoon 

_saw him two days ago_

[X] jake 

_just rejected. definitely not him_

[X] sunoo 

_saw him 2 months ago. ni-ki will kill me_

[X] niki 

_when was the last time I saw this kid? a threat_

jay rubs his nape as he looks at the paper in front him, eyebrows furrowing from the mental block of trying to remember who is missing. 

_who was (he) missing?_

then it hit him. 

[ ] **yang jungwon**

☆

**waxing crescent**

"jay would definitely kill me if I called him again!" jake cries _dramatically,_ as he clings onto sunghoon's arm like a child. 

"ugh get off! sunoo help me!" sunghoon desperately begs as he struggles to extricate himself from the boy's tight embrace. 

heeseung lets out a long sigh from having to witness such a scene, especially with jake's childish behavior like he is not twenty three at all. ni-ki couldn't bear to observe such scene and disappears from their sight. 

"where is he going?" jake yells before getting pushed harshly off the floor. 

"to get drinks so he could pour it over your dramatic ass," sunoo says, sarcastically only to get mocked by jake in return. 

"why are you being so melodramatic, hyung? it's just jongseong hyung," jungwon giggles as he sits up from his bed and slips in his slippers. 

"just jay?! if it's just _jongseong hyung_ to you, then you call him" 

"I don't know his new phone number" 

"I could give it to you," jungwon sends him a glare and even attempts to throw his slippers at him. the guy raises his hands as a sign of defeat and has no other choice, but to take the lead for the team. 

"he should've been an actor instead of taking over his dad's business too," sunghoon whispers to heeseung, and his boyfriend nods his head to agree while they listen to jake and jay's conversation. 

as soon as he ends the call, jake drops his phone on the floor and overstates the conversation he just had. "he sounds like he was about to murder me!" then the door widely opens, revealing ni-ki with a plastic bag full of can drinks. 

"did he finally do it? or do I really need to pour these drinks on him?"

"you won't do it," jake challenge. 

☆ 

**first quarter**

the hangout was held at one of jake's clubs. luckily, it wasn't at his usual wild, overcrowded, and ear shattering clubs or else, jay would've walked out before he could even step a foot inside.

as he enters the room, slow jazz music is being played by the band on stage. a guy in a suit approached him asking for his name before leading him to another room. everyone is already there, but is in their own tiny worlds. ni-ki is the first one to spot him standing by the door. 

"oh jay hyung, you're here," ni-ki calls out, which grabs everyone's attention. 

"jayyyyyy," jake drags out his name and comes running with his arm wide open, causing him to slightly trip.

"is this guy already drunk?" sunghoon shakes his head, "just jake being jake" 

jungwon scoots closer to sunoo leaving a space for jake and jay to sit at. he prays to whatever god is hearing him for jake to take the spot and not _him._

his prayer backfires. 

it's seems like the heavens are playing with him today. 

"so…" heeseung starts, trying to kill the awkward atmosphere. 

"oh! oh! let's play spin the bottle," jake excitedly suggests, out of his will because he can no longer handle the awkwardness in the air. 

"what are we? 16?" ni-ki raises an eyebrow at him and jake sticks his tongue out. "no, but you are" 

%%%

"no way ! ni-ki, why would you dare sunghoon to kiss heeseung in front of me? the only sing– _and_ the singles in this room," jake corrects himself, pushing ni-ki way too hard than he anticipated which resulted the younger one to bump his head onto sunoo's. 

"ouch!" sunoo whines. 

"jesus! you are insufferable. you act worse than a fourteen year old," ni-ki groans, threatening to punch the latter. 

after a few more spins, jay was getting bored and continuously sipped his glass of sprite as he watched his friends going wild over a childish game.

maybe not until the bottle lands on him. 

everyone meets each other gaze before jay sees sunghoon smirking from his peripheral vision. that _smirk_ –oh it brings nothing, but trouble. 

sunghoon fake laughs, "I dare you–" he pauses and _thinks,_ "to fake date jungwon for a month!"

the room falls silent, and no one dares to utter a word or know how to break the awkward atmosphere.

jungwon, on the other hand, is drastically sweating from the nervousness that jay might turn down the dare. but why does he care anyway? they are not together anymore to begin with. 

it's been three years, yet he wonders whether jay is just as affected as he is? 

he jolts back to reality when he hears everyone screaming in (what he interprets is out of) joy that jay accepted the dare while shrugging at sunghoon before sipping his drink again. jungwon snaps his head to the guy next to him with a surprised expression plastered on his face. 

"what? it's only for a month. don't act like we didn't date for five years, yang" he bluntly says. 

●

_( five years ago )_

_jay was never the type to chase people, instead people chase after him. he was pretty known around the school because of his father's reputation, but he wasn't boastful about it. he also tried his best to have a low profile, but it was inevitable to do so. being in the basketball team with heeseung starting sophomore year increased his popularity even more. the attention on him got worse than it already was._

_his image wasn't exactly good. asides from being known as the **rich**_ _boy,_ _a lot said he was a snob, and some said he gave out a very big_ **_fuckboy_ ** _energy, but honestly has never been in a relationship_ **_ever_. **_not even a fling and he found it rather funny._

_'bball4life' as he quoted, but it quickly changed._

_jay remembered it clearly–the very first time he took interest in someone, and it just happened to be towards a guy. he wasn't too bothered about it, nor the fact that he might be into the same gender wasn't surprising anymore. like come on, he wouldn't even deny the fact that he found leonardo dicaprio attractive when he watched titanic for the first time with sunghoon in fourth grade. it just happened that yang jungwon has an undebatable beauty that will make your eyes stick to him like glue. better than young leonardo himself._

_he could_ **_picture_ ** _it vividly— that very moment jungwon entered the sport hall so dashingly– uniform all straightened up, hair perfectly volume, and leather shoes waxed flawlessly. he was a walking perfection. he_ **_heard_ ** _it loud and clear— the way jungwon called out heeseung's name so tenderly. his eyes followed the way his friend ran towards the younger one, and it was also the very first time he learned his name._

_'jungwon…' he smiled to himself._

_jungwon was delivering food to heeseung on behalf of ni-ki (heeseung's step brother who is a year below them) since he apparently had an urgent meeting with the dance club. at a first glance, he thought jungwon was one of heeseung's admirers, but he suddenly recalled heeseung telling him about his tiny (huge actually) crush towards his bestfriend, sunghoon. one of the reasons why he never accepts gifts from anyone, so for him to do so was another story. an understandable one._

_jungwon wasn't exactly a stranger. jay recognized him at some point especially when his presence was not hard to ignore, but never really paid full attention. but e_ _ver since that mere glimpse, and sharing the same oxygen as the younger boy in the same room, jay would nonstop ask heeseung if ni-ki was going to eat lunch with them because he apparently 'misses' him._

**_lies_ **

_sunghoon would even laugh abruptly whenever he hears the same words that comes out of jay's mouth everyday._

_"you? miss ni-ki? that's bullshit!" sunghoon roared with laughter at the memory of young jay picking on young ni-ki. "you never leave the kid alone whenever we come over their house. remember that time he threw a massive tantrum at heeseung hyung because you didn't let him win after promising him you will? that was hell! we were up all night and he never let you touch his playstation afterwards"_

_jay rolled his eyes and slightly pushed his friend. "fine, fine… geez stop hanging out with heeseung hyung, or else you'll just know every secret I'm hiding. you are becoming way too smart for your own good"_

_"you are just jealous I have a love life, and you don't, " his bestfriend teased._

_"you guys don't even have labels," he remarked_

_"yah shut up! don't turn this on me," sunghoon wiggled his eyebrows, earning a light punch on the arm from his friend. "it's yang jungwon, isn't it?"_

_"am I that obvious?"_

_"nope! you are just late with the news…" he leaned in, lowering down his voice, "you see, ni-ki and sunoo have this thing going on between them and none of them are trying to read in between the lines. oh young love…" sunghoon said, dreamily as he hit his back on his locker door. "but to make you feel better, lover boy, they will be joining us today since all club meetings were cancelled"_

%%%

_jay has never been this excited to eat lunch throughout his whole stay in high school. he would constantly pretend to stretch, or crack his back by twisting his body from left to right when in reality, his eyes were focused on the cafeteria entrance the whole time. he felt someone kicking him underneath, and he looked up to see sunghoon suppressing his laughter after witnessing_ _his friend acting more stupid than he already was. when he spotted sunoo and ni-ki by the entrance, followed by_ **_redacted_ ** _as he called him, jay sat up straight and started to give comments on how nice the cafeteria food was during the day._

_"wow! wow! this japanese curry is soooo nice, don't you think so, hyung?" heeseung blinked, and stared at him in full judgement._

_"I have my own lunch, but sure…? you never liked the cafeteria food though_ ** _._ ** _they also make a very shit curry as you always mentioned,_ _" jay made a face._

_"hyung, the curry is extra bland today. hyung, the pork cutlet is so dry. hyung, this that. what makes it different today, park jongseong?" heeseung mimicked._

_jay shrugged. "don't know. something about my taste buds today says it otherwise"_

_in all honesty, he tends to blabber random things when he is nervous. what poison did jungwon inject into him to make him act this way?_

_he just sat there quietly, and ate his food. though, his eyes never failed to follow jungwon's every move._

_"hey sunghoon hyung, I heard from a council member today about the upcoming competition for skating in two months time. I just wanted to give you a heads up," jungwon smiled as he took his lunch box out 1from his bag._

_"thanks, wonnie. I'll keep that in min–ouch!" sunghoon whined in pain and glared at jay._

_"are you okay?" heeseung asked, worriedly._

_"yeah.. I suddenly kicked the pole underneath, " he cleared his throat, "by the way, sunoo and jungwon, this is jay, my bestfriend"_

_"ah...you were the guy with heeseung hyung during practice, right?" jay held his breath and just nodded his head as an answer to jungwon's question._

_'idiot.. park jongseong you are a fucking idiot' he mentally slapped himself._

_"so you are the scary guy that jake hyung talks about everyday," sunoo tittered. "he's my cousin if you didn't know. he talks a lot about you specifically about physics class, sleeping and anger management"_

_jay laughed through gritted teeth from feeling slight embarrassed in front of jungwon. "haha…he helps me because I sometimes fall asleep in class since I stay up studying"_

_sunghoon 'coughed' into his hand, stopping himself from laughing._ _sunoo just nodded, mouth agape before he proceed to eat his lunch._

_no one said another word afterwards and minded their own business. jay forced himself to finish the curry that he claimed was_ **_nice,_ ** _or else jungwon might think he was wasting food for fun._

_'first impression matters' he reminded himself._

_when the bell rang, everyone parted ways as they all chose different extracurricular activities during the last period. all sections were also fused which explained why heeseung and sunoo were together for performing arts, ni-ki jake and jungwon were in leadership and community development whilst sunghoon and jay were in sport education._

_sunghoon insisted on walking heeseung (and sunoo) to the theater hall as if they didn't have any legs of their own that they required extra assistance. jay could only roll his eyes and frown after being ditched by his own bestfriend._

_'what happened to the real bros, before homos motto' jay sighed, and as he was about to exit the cafeteria throughthe back door, jungwon called out his name._

_"hyung! well...you see… uhh–council is going to get busier next week so I probably don't have time to say this to you, but I mean I could just tell heeseung hyung since I go to their house almost everyday and–_ **_god_ ** _I'm sorry for blabbering too much. I just want to say good luck with your game next week," jungwon chuckled whilst scratching his nape._

_jay ruffled his hair which surprised the both of them, and quickly muttered an apology. "sorry... and thanks jungwon. hope you can watch me and heeseung hyung play"_

_"will definitely try! I'll cheer for you...two! yes, you two," jungwon nervously laughed while eyeing his friend from the entrance. he waved his goodbye as he ran back to where ni-ki was standing (impatiently)_

_jay jolted his way to the field, and sure couldn't wait to tell sunghoon the details._

**_he really likes jungwon_ **

_but what he didn't know was the younger boy likes him just as much._

  
  


☆

**waxing gibbous**

one month. 

jungwon has a month to gather all his thoughts to finally come with a proper closure to say to jay. you see, they ended it pretty badly– on jungwon's side at least. he wasn't exactly prepared, nor did he _want_ to do it. he had no other choice, or it would just cause a huge disaster. 

they were so perfect.

from highschool sweethearts to being an _it_ couple in college to whatever nickname people would give them next, but it ended there.

_an early finish._

to everyone's surprise, he was the one who broke jay's heart, and not the other way around as many have expected. it would've hurt less that way, and jungwon would've accepted it, wholeheartedly.

jay was too perfect for him. 

but he had to twist the story around. 

what made the whole situation worse for jungwon was jay approaching it way _too_ nicely for his liking. he _hated_ that side of him sometimes. he asked no question, or even a sign of curiosity was plastered on his face. instead he smiled. 

he hated that smile. 

the smile that made jungwon regret everything so easily. 

_"don't apologize, yang. I understand"_

**_do you really?_ **

jungwon doesn't quite get it. they were meant to argue, to cry, to do what any other couple would in that situation...but why was he the only one producing a gallon of tears, and felt his body being jellified, and the one who can't look at the latter straight in the eye because it hurts him even more– to see jay smiling as if he is not hurting, to see jay smiling as if he doesn't want to push him away and ask him _why._

_"it's your decision, yang– really, it's okay. I'm_ **_okay_ ** _"_

**_a lie park jongseong. a fucking lie._ **

_"but you know...never once I felt regretful, in fact I'm rather thankful to you for making me explore this whole new path. I discovered love because of you, yang, and I will forever be grateful for that. so don't ever apologize. I love you, and always will. may be as lovers, or as a friend, I will love you unconditionally. don't try and beat yourself up because of it...it is really okay"_

he remembered crashing his whole body against jay's for the last time (or what jungwon thought was the last) wrapping his arms around his waist with jay doing the same. they stood there, enjoying the comforting silence with his sobs being the only source of sound they could hear. jay loosen up their embrace before jungwon felt his soft, tender lips being attached onto his forehead. 

_he hates him so much._

**_park jongseong you drive me crazy._ **

_"hey yang…can I say something?" jay whispered and he slightly nodded against jay's chest. "I like you"_

_jungwon lips curved upwards, "i like you too, park… so much"_

he painfully laughs at the memory. 

_I like you_ was way more meaningful than _I love you,_ they believed. jungwon can count it with his fingers. the times they have said that phrase to one another. they don't say it often because in that way, it will still leave a sensation– some sort of a butterfly feeling to them. 

they admit that they can be cheesy too. 

for three years, he's been longing to hear it again, and will do anything to make jay say it.

_just please act like you love me for a while so I can go on,_ jungwon begs. 

  
  


☆

**full**

after that day, the group had been constantly meeting up as if they didn't have any jobs to take care of. this time, it was sunoo's idea to just chill for the rest of the week which jay kindly let it pass, and joined in. if it was jake's another club invitation, he could burn the building down without any hesitation. they were now staying at sunghoon's private beach house. it was a decent size to fit everyone. 

jungwon sits in one of the pool lounges and watches his friends act like they were back in high school. 

free, playful, and youthful. 

it made him feel at ease, and satisfied. he hoped to be given another chance to witness such a heart-warming view in the _future_. from his peripheral vision, he sees jay sitting in the lounge next to him. wet hair perfectly slicked back and sunglasses sitting perfectly on the bridge of his nose. 

"no more _mai tai_?" he asks and jay shakes his head before taking a sip of his orange juice, "stopped drinking anything with alcohol since you left" 

jungwon didn't respond. 

"what about you? still drinking tequila sunrise?" jungwon sends him a glare, and jay laughs a little from the memory of a very light weight jungwon being so giggly, and talkative when he tried it for the first time. nearly setting one of the huts during their group outing back in college on fire. (just because tipsy jake accidentally handed a lighter to tipsy jungwon) 

from the distance, sunghoon nudges his boyfriend, heeseung who was trying his best to build perfect shaped sandcastle which his effort went to a complete waste after he dropped the bucket on the floor. sunghoon points at the two with his lips who were currently laughing and pushing each other as if no one is watching. 

them in their own worlds again...just like old times. 

"they are finally talking," sunoo enthusiastically claps and kisses ni-ki on the cheek, "told you, babe! pay up," he sings. 

"did you bet on them again?" heeseung asks and sighs. 

"listen, hyung it's always sunoo, " in ni-ki's defense. 

"he didn't believe me when I said jay hyung and jungwon would talk before this day ends," sunoo sticks his tongue at his boyfriend. 

"but do you think jay can change his mind? you know before th–" sunghoon gets cut off when jake slaps his palm onto his mouth. "shut up! they might hear" he hisses. 

  
heeseung exhales deeply before walking away.   
  
  


%%%

jungwon cannot fall asleep. he looks at the bed beside him, and sunoo was already sleeping peacefully with ni-ki (who entered the room in the middle of the night so just he could cuddle with his boyfriend) 

he feels jealous, jungwon admits. he watched his friends slowly develop feelings for each other, to plotting how to get them together, to being their unofficial relationship counsellor when they had their first fight because ni-ki forgot sunoo's cat's birthday party. the same goes with heeseung and sunghoon, but minus the petty arguments. 

he really wished his relationship would have lasted too. it would've been a perfect full house. 

jungwon feels his phone vibrating next to him, and he checks it to see he received a text message from jay. 

he finally got his number. 

_[ jay: hey_ _]_

_sent at 2:45am_

_[ jungwon: why are you still awake? ]_

_sent at 2:48am_

_[ jay: can't sleep._

_too early :/ you? ]_

_sent at 2:48am_

_[ jungwon: same :( ]_

_sent at 2:48am_

_[ jay: hmm want to take a walk?_

_since I know u like it]_

_sent at 2:49am_

jungwon feels it again. the same butterflies when he first saw jay on the basketball try-outs. when they first talked. when he asked him out. when jay first kissed him on the lips, when jay– _hell_

_yang jungwon…you are in big trouble._

_[ jungwon: :) sure ]_

_sent at 2:51am_

_[ jay: meet you outside in a bit!_

_got the earphones ready too ]_

_sent at 2:51am_

jay knows him too well.

they were walking side by side under the scintillating moon that reflects itself on the glassy water and creates a beautiful moonglade– their very own spotlight. they hear nothing, but the fuse sound of the chirping noises you hear at night along with the music that's blasting through their earphones in each side of their ears. 

_(what i wish just one person would say to me by lany)_

their song for each other...as for now.

**'even if it's only for the night. there is nothing that I wouldn't do'**

_'do you want to slow dance with me while we have the stars as our audience?'_

_'hey jongseong, do you want to kiss me while the moon is giving us our own spotlight? for the very last time…'_ jungwon wants to ask. 

jay gulps as he feels their fingers slowly making its way to each other. _'jungwon, can i have this dance?'_

a silent conversation, but action speaks louder than words, right? 

jay suddenly stops on his track that caught jungwon off guard, and for the first time that day, they properly locked eyes. jay holds his breath from how jungwon's eyes never fails to glimmer so beautifully with the moon emphasising his brown glazy orbs that shines even brighter at night. he suddenly has this urge of just pulling jungwon in, and close the distance between them, but he will definitely not do it. not now at least. 

then the song changes. 

"hey jungwon…" the boy glances up, "this may sound cheesy, but want to dance under the moon…?– I mean you don't have to agree, it's just a suggesti—" jay gets cut off when jungwon puts his hand close to his face.

jay doesn't know what he is saying and now that it came out blabbering off his mouth, he sounded stupid. 

jungwon laughs as he has never seen jay this nervous. "what? do you find this entertaining, yang?" 

he grins, "yes, but thought you'll never asked, park"

_"take my hand, I'll take the lead, and every turn will be safe with me,"_ jay sings along in a low soft tone, half attempted before snorting at his action.

jungwon finds it funny– how jay could stoop this low and actually offers his hand, the exact same scene from the movie, which he gently holds in exchange and slowly wraps his arms around jay's neck. 

jay was never the type to find any rom-com movies as near as romantic. he calls it pure rubbish which jungwon begged to differ. he was a sucker for romance, but jay has his own way of showing it that he much likely prefers. 

love doesn't have to be grand, and extra for jay to prove his love to him. they didn't have to go on expensive candlelight dinner date while wearing formal clothing, or go attend theater performances to watch people play instruments that makes them fall asleep.

it's the tiny things that gives love more definition like how jay holds his hand while he rubs his thumbs on his knuckles minutes before his taekwondo match. or when jay reminds him to eat and sometimes unintentionally shows up to his house with his favorite food. or when jay calls him in the middle of the night because he accidentally woke up just to tell him he loves him so much, half asleep. 

the tiny things that makes jungwon's heart explode. 

they quickly catch up. giggling at the stories they shared as they look deeply into each other's eyes, and just drown on each other's stare. they totally forgot about the song playing because it is the moment that is more important for them.

they believe to have this inevitable proximity with the night sky that everything they do in the shadows is way beyond memorable than doing it in a broad daylight, especially with eyes around. 

  
the stars are enough.

so before the moon could go back to sleep, they tried to seize every chance that they have and make the night as memorable as they can make it to be. 

dance under the moon, chase each other around the ocean, and sit so closely to the tiny bonfire that they created to dry up themselves.

they did everything before they could go back to where they were originally are. their life without each other. just jay, just jungwon. no _and_ in between. 

☆

**waning gibbous**

it was a lie. 

after the beach trip, they never once separated (maybe not after jake reminded them of the dare that slipped out of their minds) 

they had a whole three weeks on their hands and they didn't let that opportunity escape. 

jay would constantly surprise jungwon with small things such as a flower delivery everyday (which sunghoon joke around that his office could turn into a botanical garden by the end of the month). he would show up in front of the hospital unattended, looking all fancy with different sports car every time (that he once got in trouble for, by the head of the hospital thinking he was using the emergency lane as a parking space). he would also pick up jungwon at three am in the morning, and drive to the nearest grocery store, and around their old neighborhood, reminiscing old times like it was just yesterday.

they did everything that they weren't able to do back then, and it was enough to heal the hole in their hearts. 

ever moment never failed to give jungwon that burning sensation that crawls all the way to his neck, and makes its way to his neck whenever he thinks of it.

it feels like fireworks in his body. 

it shouldn't have ended like this in the first place. they could've just pretended to be _dating_ in front of their friends and forget all about it when they are not together, but they both knew they wanted this– just not vocalise it as much. they just needed each other for a while, even though everyone knew it was a _lie._ this is not because of a dare anymore. they were just highly in-denial. 

it's better that way, in jungwon's opinion. 

he was never the type of person to avoid such confrontation from other people. he knew himself– that there was something more than what they think they are, and what they had before, and it scares him to _death._ to mislead jay because he has yet again prioritized his selfish behavior before thinking how it will affect the latter. 

_but again, everything is too late, right?_

%%%

jungwon bid his goodbye to the receptionist, who kindly sent a smile to him before averting her gaze back to the screen in front of her. and just as he was about to exit the hospital, he spotted heeseung and sunghoon making their way in instead. 

"oh would you look at that? its the _famous_ surgeon, lee heeseung and his paediatric nurse boyfriend, park sunghoon who would never stop flirting in front of the patients. can you two stop flirting? this is a hospital, not a dating spot," he blurts out with a detectable bitterness in his voice, interrupting the two who just rolled heir eyes at him.

"oh jungwon-ah, our favourite and bitter psychologist. finish already?" heeseung asks with a huge grin painted on his face. he sends him a confused look before nodding to answer his question. 

"no wonder why a certain car is parked in front of the hospital. better hurry up before that gets on the way," sunghoon laughs, waving his hands as they walk away out of his sight. 

_'car?'_ jungwon's eyebrows furrowed in confusion and walked out of the building at a speed of lightning.

jay was leaning against his black mercedes benz c-class cabriolet that he has never used before. some car he bought out of impulse, but he thinks today was the right time to use it with _jungwon._

"park jongseong? what are you doing here looking all _dashing_ with your sports car and... _oh_ flowers?" he bites his lips to stop himself from smiling, "may I remind you that this is not a hotel"

"I know, but park jongseong won't be park jongseong if I don't cause a scene, right? " jay smirks, and offers a hand to open the door for jungwon

"you are shameless," a chuckle escapes the younger one's lips. "only when it comes to you, " jay says so boldly as he closes the door, leaving jungwon speechless. 

he mentally shakes his head and lowers his head to avoid the stares he's been receiving from both the staffs and patients present near the entrance, especially from his colleagues– beomgyu, eric and jisung. they've been giggling nonstop around the corner and sure tomorrow will be hell. 

jungwon knows enough for him to realize that jay is _definitely_ taking his time. he is trying to show off. 

show _him_ off, to be exact. 

without notice, jay leans in so closely to put the seatbelt on for him and that one slight movement could end up way too scandalous for the hospital to handle. jungwon inhales sharply and remains still until the guy sits back down to start the engine.

_finally._

"where are we going?" jungwon asks and jay sends a wink. "on an adventure," and drives off. 

_for the last time…?_

%%%

the night feels alive once more as they drive along an empty road that seems to have no destination. jay drives silently with one of his arms on the steering wheel as he rests his elbow on the car door. he slows down his speed, and observe how jungwon excitedly scream with the cold breeze slapping his whole body, arms up high, as it dances along with the wind. 

jay laughs to himself when familiarity hits him home. he recalls the moment back in college when he showed up to jungwon's house on his brand new motorcycle, hoping they could go around the city similarly to their current adventure, but jungwon despised the idea, _greatly_. he wasn't exactly a fan of motorcycles which the latter avoided it at all cost. it took jay some time to convince him to actually get on, but it was all worth it in the end. 

you know, having jungwon's tiny arms around his waist, and his nose pressed on his shoulder as he feels him sniffing down his blackberry perfume. jay wouldn't lie if he said he didn't feel all flustered that time. 

but today feels so different. he can see it clearly– how jungwon smile curved up higher than usual. 

just right after they called it off, jay faced numerous life and death situations from riding a motorcycle. _intentionally._

he started to hate it. 

he drove along the city with a speed ten times faster than average because he could not help, but remember the times he wished he still had jungwon's arms wrapped around his body, whilst chanting an unfamiliar prayer for them to get home safely. he ended up selling it at the end and took his driver's license for a change. and just so if jungwon decides to come back home, he could teach him how to drive as he promised.

everything he has been doing for himself is because of jungwon, and _for_ jungwon. 

when was it _not_ about him?

%%%

meanwhile, jungwon would secretly steal glances from time to time when jay has his full attention on the road.

he smiles. _'he looks so handsome'_

jay no longer had his blonde hair that he managed to maintain throughout college, and went back to his original dark brown colored hair. he doesn't wear headbands anymore that keeps his long silky hair off his eyes, but instead he has it styled– perfectly parted in the middle and is slightly wave. he doesn't ride a motorcycle anymore _for sure_ plus jungwon finds him extra attractive driving with one hand on a steering wheel than him taking off his helmet, which droplets of sweat can be spotted on the edge of his forehead.

jay loved it though. the way jungwon stands on the tip of his toes and leans way too close to his face while he dab his head with a towel. it makes him insane. of course jay didn't say that out loud. 

"we are here!' jay announces, turning off the engine before he averts his gaze back to jungwon who looks quite puzzled. 

who wouldn't be? when your-so-called-fake-boyfriend decided to stop in the middle of nowhere. 

"yang, I'm not going to murder you. promise you would like this," jay assures, as he holds his hands, drags him to wherever he leads him to, and he just follows.

jungwon feels some sort of electrified sensation that makes him feel agitated, almost sick from the way jay's soft yet veiny hand is clasped together with his. it feels familiar, yet somehow foreign. 

"...and so here we are! our own mini camping area...that i struggled to put up," he murmurs the last part, "so we can properly stargaze" 

there was a tiny tent that stood up in the middle of the field with a picnic blanket and multiple pillows laying down in front of it. the telescope was perfectly set up and placed on a spot that jay thought was a nice area to watch the stars. it was exactly how jungwon pictured his ideal date and jay gives himself a pat on the back.

jungwon looks at him straight in the eyes and asks, "why are you doing this, hyung?"

"do I need a reason for everything I do?" 

"no...you don't. I'm just asking _why_?"

_'shouldn't I be the one asking you that question instead'_ jay wants to say. 

"ask less, yang and just enjoy," he plays it off by rolling his eyes and laughs a little, "in that way, it's a fair game" _because it seems like I didn't try hard enough before, that you ended up leaving me._

_'unfair. you are so unfair. when was this ever a fair game? you were always ahead off your game, and no matter how much I drag you down, you always find your way to get up. is that what you call a fair game?'_

%%%

as jungwon captures jay's movement, a faint smile appears on his lips as he watches the guy struggle to start a small fire using a stone, and a stick because he insisted of doing it _traditionally._ he hears him groan in frustration from the distance, and it was inevitable to not let out a soft chuckle that carries such pressure. 

the weight feels heavier than usual, more than jungwon can cope up with. he wishes it could always be like this. _yeah_ , to be sitting under a millions stars just watching the person you have always loved. identically to how the moon is so certain that at least one star will always be by their side, forever. 

but instead, he turned his back on him. his star– his beloved star that is now alone under the blanket of darkness. 

the fire slowly dies down, knees attracting itself to one another, and their hands doing the same. the quietness has yet again envelopes their surroundings, emphasising the quietude of the night sky itself. jungwon stares at the serene view, and grasps this moment until everything is too late. jay secretly looks at him with pure admiration, and asks himself the same question every time he has his eyes on the boy–how did the universe create such perfection. 

"write your wish," jay hands him a marker to use on the other side of the lantern.

he never fails to amaze him with all of the surprises that he stored under his sleeves. he takes a peek to see how jay looks extra serious while writing his wish down. jungwon thinks for a while– of the something he really wished for– something that makes him want to stop the time from ticking every second, and passing another minute that could turn into hours, and converts to a day. 

then it clicks to him. so he writes it down. 

"you finished?" jay asks as he lights up the lantern. jungwon sends a soft smile before he starts counting down to three. 

"one...two...three"

the lantern floats around the sky, slowly making its way to a beautiful nowhere. they could only hope for the stars to see their wish, and grant it. 

and the stars miserably failed to hear it. 

-

_jungwon: to live longer, and to be with park jongseong forever_

_jay: for yang jungwon to come back home to me...where he truly belongs._

  
  


☆ 

**last quarter**

jay runs. 

he runs out of his apartment in such a rush not minding how he has collided with numerous people along the way. the complaints he had heard were hard to distinguish. 

everything is spinning to him as he drives on the highway like a bat of hell that could possibly, or _will sure_ get him jailed for over-speeding. 

but jay didn't give a single fuck. he is in a great hurry of wanting to arrive at the hospital as fast as he can after receiving a call from heeseung. a heart dropping one. 

_a life that it is worth risking for._

his breathing was just as fast as his car speed. his mind was clouded with so many questions, but he accumulated no answer to any of it.

he's thinking too much. 

the receptionist who was in the midst of a call herself gets startled when jay accidentally raises his voice at her. 

"give me one second," the lady who comes under the name of _yuju,_ whispers before raising her eyebrows at jay who looks like a complete disaster. _or worst_

"how can I help you, sir?" 

"I'm so sorry for that...I'm in a– doesn't matter. I am lo–looking for a–a patient," he stummers, apace. 

"name?" 

there was a long, dreadful silence. 

the moment he really needed a voice, he can't seem to find it. 

or was it just the fear of mentioning the name that prevented him from having one. 

"sir? the name?" the lady reiterates, sternly. 

"...yang jungwon" it finally escape his mouth. he looks down at his shoes, knees shaking uncontrollably. 

he is not religious at any sort, but he prays _hard._ chanting a million 'please', hands clasped together as he waits for the lady to say something other than what he expects to hear. 

nothing seems to work. 

"patient yang jungwon is located on the third floor, room 215," and as rude as he may have looked, he bolted without saying another word. 

everyone was there. they all looked absent-minded, not even realizing his presence. 

the door suddenly opens revealing jungwon's older brother, soobin who smiles at him with a hint of unease and worry from his expression. 

"jay… you're here," he slowly closes the door behind him and slightly bow his head. "I'll leave you guys for now. I have to pick up so something. call me when you need me" 

as he was out of the sight, jay's attention remains on the floor as he lets out a sniff. 

he's crying. 

for the first time and will probably be the last that he is letting his guard down in front of his friends. 

"since when did you guys know?" he whispers, loud enough for everyone to hear.

no one utters a word. 

silence envelops them and the tension gets thicker as another second passes by. 

"I said since when did you guys fucking know?!" jay howls, yet his voice trembles in pain. 

"jay–" sunghoon stands up, and attempts to comfort him which the latter refused, not wanting anyone near him. 

sunoo couldn't help, but to feel hurt on behalf of jay and sobs uncontrollably on ni-ki's shoulder. 

"all of you knew... all of you knew, yet no one told me anything. all of you knew, yet you made me do things I shouldn't have done!" he exhales sharply. "is this why you dared me to date him, sunghoon? for a fucking month, all of you made me look like a fool thinking _we_ had a chance to start over…" he runs his finger through his hair out of frustration. "you just happened to destroy that" 

"it wasn't his fault, jay" heeseung retorts. 

jay scoffs and bites the inside of his cheeks. "are you serious right now? I get that he's your boyfriend, but I couldn't care less, hyung. stop defending him! stop defending this stupid fucker who I–" next thing he knows is that he felt a hard punch on his jaw and ends up on the cold floor, with droplets of blood dripping off the edge of his lips. he looks up to see sunoo and jake by his side, trying to help him up while heeseung is trying to stop his boyfriend from getting any further. 

"guys stop–" ni-ki interjects, but he gets cut off when sunghoon raises his voice. 

"you think I fucking wanted this, _jongseong?!_ did you really think it was my choice to do that knowing _you'll_ get hurt at the end?" sunghoon pants. "I wanted to tell you so fucking bad right after that day. you have no idea how many times I want to break it down to you, but I can't, jay…I just can't. not when it's jungwon's request and I swore to him I won't say anything to you" 

there was another deafening silence. the tension in the air remains the same. jay looks directly at his best friend's eyes and he knew. he didn't have to deny it, he knows how this whole thing affected sunghoon deeply, and maybe twice as much as him.

they are not each other's yin and yang for no reason.

this whole time, sunghoon was carrying two weights, and he shouldn't have let his anger take over him. 

"I saw the way you smiled– we all did. it was the same smile when we first went to the amusement park during third grade because uncle was a coward when it came to his only child. the same smile when you got into the basketball team with heeseung hyung on your first try out. the same smile when you genuinely beat ni-ki in tekken for the first time when he's a god at it," everyone laughs in between their tears. 

"it was the same smile when you became a MVP during your first game. the same smile when I told you jungwon would join us for lunch, when he became your boyfriend... it was _that_ smile we didn't want to steal away from you. for _three_ years jongseong, you have never told us anything– told _me_ anything, nor you smiled and laughed the same way as you did for that whole month you were with jungwon," sunghoon purses his lips before he grabs his jacket off the floor.

"now tell me, do you still think I did that because that's how shit of a friend I am to you?" 

sunghoon walks out with heeseung tailing behind him. sunoo and ni-ki assist jay to the chair after getting knocked on the floor. the couple excuses themselves to get some materials to clean him up, leaving jake alone with him. 

"they found out a week before the hangout," jay snaps his attention to jake who spoke up so suddenly, yet he didn't meet his gaze in return. 

"I just happened to find out about a month earlier than everyone else," he sighs. 

"I was visiting my brother. remember namjoon hyung? coincidentally he was jungwon's doctor. at first, I was confused if I saw the right person. I had the decision to ignore my delusion or not, but after getting a close look, it turns out it was actually him. I overheard their conversation so I confronted him about it," jake leans back on the chair, lips turning into a thin line. 

"he cried so hard, and kept apologizing as if everything was his fault. watching him cry in agony hurted more, knowing that he has been carrying this alone for so long than him keeping it a secret from us." 

jay listens quietly to every word so he could properly digest it on his own. trying to make it all make sense to him. 

"jungwon begged me to not say a word to anyone, especially to you. there were times I was in the urge to call you over his house when he was in so much pain because I didn't know who else to call, nor I knew what to do. he didn't want me to call my brother either. those times I would ask you to go attend one of my club events wasn't because I was being annoying, it was because I was sick of seeing jungwon pull out a face. I wanted him to smile. I wanted _you_ to smile again," jay huffs. 

he didn't know his friend could be this cheesy. 

"we all knew how the both of you have been longing for each other's presence, but the two of you are so stubborn," jake laughs at the the memory of him and jungwon sighing in disappointment whenever the scene they have plotted of 'jay and jungwon ' _accidentally_ ' meeting' would fail. 

"then everyone found out because surprisingly, sunghoon thought I was going out with your boy so they followed us," jay huffs in disbelief, though it is very clear that he wasn't surprised about it. sunghoon can be stupid at times too. 

"the fun ended so quickly. they were really devastated. I've never seen sunoo that enraged at jungwon, or ni-ki shredding a tear throughout the years I have known him. heeseung hyung and sunghoon were a little bit more understanding. then jungwon came up with an idea, so we all played along and planned it out. from the hangout, to the dare, to the beach outing– all of it was planned and the rest were done by you. also the time I called to ask you, we were all together. believe me, I was _shit_ scared," they both let out a low chuckle. 

"jungwon had a check up that day and when he heard you agreed, he jumped in joy. he hugged heeseung hyung _sooo_ tight, and you could really see how happy he was. it was devastating for everyone though," jake licks his lips, and pats jay on the shoulder. 

"we only agreed to the whole plan thinking you could change his mind, but you know him, he won't listen to anyone. I told you this because you have the right to know that none of this is your fault. it was jungwon's decision" 

ni-ki and sunoo came back not long after jake and jay's honest conversation ended. while sunoo was cleaning up jay's wound, sunghoon comes back apologising. 

he's already forgiven anyway. 

"sorry about the punch. I took my frustration out on you...but at least I didn't hit your nose," he jokes. 

☆ 

**waning crescent**

"jay, jungwon wants you in," soobin comes out of the room as he sends him another warm smile. everyone else went home after they had spent some time with jungwon, but jay decided to wait a little longer so he could have his own time with the younger one. 

"watch over him, yeah?" 

"hyung…" the guy stops on his track, and turns around to face him. 

"is it curable?" soobin opens his mouth to speak, but lets out a heavy breath instead. 

the older one pats jay's shoulder as he swings his duffle bag on his shoulder.

"well...no one exactly knows about his condition, even him. only his doctor and our parents do. my brother is really stubborn and he didn't want to know so we just respected that. I honestly don't want to know myself too," he sadly smiles. "but the only information I got is that his time is very limited. I think you have the right to know that part...and jay, thank you for making him happy until this end." 

jay slowly opens the door to see jungwon staring outside the window, absent-minded. he studies his feature for a while. he notices how he lost some weight on his face, he looks paler than usual and the dark circles under his eyes were very visible. jay didn't realize that jungwon was already looking at him until the latter cleared his throat. 

"hey hyung…" he speaks up, almost breathless. 

jay feels a pang on his chest and manage to stop his tears from falling while he drags a chair next to the bed. his hands land on top of jungwon's delicate fingers, filling in the gap between them. 

"hey... you don't have to say anything. it's okay, I'm okay," he softly says, and it made jungwon laugh. 

"you said the exact same thing when we broke up. you know, you don't have to keep pretending you're fine in front of me, hyung" jay didn't respond.

jungwon lifts his hands and trails his fingers through jay's hair as he moves out some of it that's covering the latter's eyes. "come lay down next to me?" 

the younger one scoots over to leave a space for jay. the bed was big enough to fit the both of them. 

it both reminded them of college. when jungwon would sleepover jay's dorm and they would lay down on his small bed that is enough to not make him fall at night, despite him wandering a lot during his sleep. arms around each other tightly with their nose an inch away from touching. they were close enough to hear each other's breathing and heartbeat that makes them feel at ease. 

"sing for me," jungwon demands, as he leans in to place a peck on jay's nose, leaving the guy flustered. 

jay was used to him doing the first move on jungwon because he loves seeing how the younger one's eyes widened in surprise, ears and cheeks turning bright red, and his body turning stiff before he covers up his face from embarrassment. but when jungwon does it in return, he suddenly doesn't know how to act. 

"and what would you like me to sing?" jay carefully pushes jungwon closer to him. this time, their nose were touching with his hand slowly rubbing the younger one's back in a circular motion.

"any. I just want to hear you sing again" _for the last time._

jay thinks of a song for a while. a song that makes it fitting for him to express how deeply in love he is with jungwon. 

**_"That I was born for you"_** jay starts to sing while he gets swallowed up in jungwon's eyes as they look at each other once again. it was the same eyes that he looks for the moment he wakes up. the same eyes that he wants to explore for the rest of his life. 

jungwon stares back at him. despite the lights being off, he can still see jay's eyes crystal clear. waves of serenity splashes over him as he listens carefully to his deep, honey voice. biting his tongue to stop his tears that have urged to escape. he doesn't remember feeling this vulnerable in his life. 

_I was lucky enough to be born to love someone like you._ jungwon remains quiet.

**_"It was written in the stars"_ **his voice trembles. 

the stars that shine brightly through the darkness of the night sky. jungwon is his star, and always will be. the star that guided him throughout his life. the star that gave him light at the times he thought he would not see anything, but pure darkness. the star that jay is willing to look at forever. 

suddenly, his vision becomes blurry yet jungwon's features are still clear to him. 

**_"Yes, I was born for you_ **

**_And the choice was never ours"_ **

jungwon moves even closer and embraces the older one tighter despite being debilitated. he rests his forehead against jay's chest and pays extra attention to the motion of his heartbeat. at the same time, jay places his chin on jungwon's head and purses his lips as he sees the moon witnessing their moment again. 

out of jungwon's control, tears come rolling down his cheek. 

_can we be like this forever?_

**_"It's as if the powers of the universe_ **

**_Conspired to make you mine until the day I die_ **

**_I bless the day that I was born for you"_ **

jungwon slowly closes his eyes as he could no longer fight the heaviness that it was carrying. he inhales deeply as he feels jay's soft wet lips pressed on his head along with the tears that land on his scalp that sends shivers through his spine. 

"jongseong hyung…" he whispers, out of breath. jay hums in return.

_I love you, hyung. i will love you till the day after every tomorrow. I will love you till the sun rises to when the moon finally wakes up from its deep slumber. I will love you in my next life even if we are not together, and myself in another universe will be telling you the same thing... that I love you beyond forever._ jungwon wants to say, yet the only thing that comes out of his mouth is–

"I like you so much" and it should be enough. 

jay kisses his forehead. "I like you so much, jungwon...more than you have ever known" 

they close their eyes, and falls asleep in each other's embrace, wishing for tomorrow to never come. 

  
  
  


☆ 

**new moon**

it's been a week ever since that night.

that night he wished never happened so he could've avoided tomorrow. 

and if he knew that was the last time he would be able to tell jungwon how much he loves him, then he could've said everything. if he knew that was the last time he could kiss jungwon, he would've kissed him longer and on the _lips._ if he knew that was the last time he could've his arms around him, he wouldn't have let him go. 

_if he just knew._

_if he just followed the sign that he chose to ignore._

he has never left home ever since. he became a mess, worse than he has ever been before. 

today was different. 

the fact that they broke up, yet it made him feel at ease knowing that person will always be there whenever he needed him. that yang jungwon will come running back to his arms when he decides that home will remain him, just like what he had always said. it was different knowing he is not here entirely. knowing that he can no longer hug him, kiss him, look at him the way he usually did. everything will just remain as a memory. 

jay stares at the CD that sunoo gave to him after they have finally set _him_ free. he doesn't exactly know the entire context of it, and whenever he asks the latter, he gets nothing, but a shrug. 

he will wholeheartedly admit that he is just plainly scared to watch it, but he can't avoid it forever so he inserts the CD in the DVD player and waits for it to load. 

_we fell in love on the 18th of october._ it says on the cover of the case. 

[ _video = italics._ normal = present ]

it started with the camera pointing to what seemed to be the ceiling. it was shaky, and he could hear a faint hint of frustration from the person speaking behind the camera. 

" _how does this stand up?" the person whispered._

the camera started to move in such a direction that it made jay a little dizzy. he recognises the voice very clearly and he looks at the screen with deep lines appearing on his forehead. the camera then settles down revealing a very pale jungwon sitting down in a very unfamiliar room. despite looking worn out like he hasn't slept for days, he smiled like nothing was wrong. jay grips on the pillow resting on his lap with his gaze remaining straight to the screen. 

_jungwon took a deep breath as he fixed his eyes directly at the camera lenses pretending it was jay that he was looking at._

jay did the same and it was simply fortuitous when they locked eyes as if jungwon is physically there with him. 

_"jay hyung…" he started._

his breath hitches as he heard his name. jungwon never called him by his nickname. it has always been _jongseong_ _or hyung,_ nothing in between. looking back at it, he could count it with his fingers the times jungwon has ever called him jay, and that's when he was deeply heartbroken.

_twice. he called him jay twice._

_"...I'm sorry" he sobbed. "I'm sorry for so many things– for being selfish, for being inconsiderate, for getting ahead of myself–" jungwon bit his lips and looks down on his fidgeting fingers._

everything becomes inaudible to jay. his vision continues to get blurry as he fails to look straight at jungwon's eyes. his expression remains the same, but constantly blinks his tears away. he tries to listen, but drastically fails to do so. he can't render his own thoughts, his own emotions. he clenches his fist on his chest, trying to catch his breath.

_"...and I've always been a coward, and too dependent on you. I asked you once if you've ever found it bothersome, and I remember you telling me that never once, and never will I become such a thing because at least in that way, I won't have a hard time doing things alone" he sniggered._

_"but then I realised, why do I always have to be the one relying on you? why can't you rely on me too? why do you always have to be the one making an effort as if you are the only one in love? it hurts my pride too, you know." jungwon took this chance to cry his heart out. for the last time, he wanted jay to know everything. nothing to be left behind._

_"then unforeseen events appeared so quickly, that all the negative emotions just rushed through my body and ended up making the stupidest decisions in my life. my first thought was... I don't want to drag you in this agony. I didn't think it through and broke up with you because I won't have a park jongseong that I know I can always run back to when things come crashing down on me. this time, I know I will be alone for this battle. for once, I want to do something for myself without dragging anyone with me. In that way alone, I know regrets won't pile up after this whole war ceases" he inhaled sharply, as he tried to catch his breath from all the non stop sobbing._

_"breaking up with you wasn't as easy as I thought it would. you are not that easy to forget, you know? just how you are not that hard to love either. you are love personified itself" jungwon let out a soft chuckle as he imagined jay grinning from ear to ear, laughing until his stomach hurts, and sleeping peacefully as his effortless beauty still glows. "loving you was as easy as picking up a flower in a field, but finding someone like you is just as impossible as finding water in a desert. the pain I felt once our string got cut off was ten times more painful than my body punching me like there is no tomorrow. i never once explained why I broke it off because you never once asked why. you decided to be the selfless prick you have always been in lieu of unleashing your anger, your dying curiosity–god I fucking_ **_hated_ ** _you for that…"_

jay also ponders why he never asked? why did he never fight for their relationship? why did he let go of him so easily, the same way he got his heart entangled to jungwon? was it because he was afraid of hearing jungwon's explanation? or he just simply didn't want to hear his mere assumption of jungwon falling out of love? 

jay is a big coward. always has been a coward and he admits that. from the very start, he doubts everything they had because he believed everything went too fast. he always tried to put heeseung's words into account that _love has no timing, and so does falling apart_ and that was his immediate fear– falling out. 

_"I was a coward. I didn't do it because I stopped loving you, but I was more worried about our relationship ending with no proper closure. I want you to go out to the world without having to carry my name around when people ask if you are taken or not. I want you to be able to say 'I'm single and ready to mingle' instead of 'just recently lost my boyfriend'. that would sound rather tragic," jungwon laughs at his half attempted joke._

_"I am sick, hyung. I never had much time in me, and I knew that all along. I accepted that fact a long time ago. I waited everyday for it to come, but it took longer than six years to finally happen. I don't know when, but it will come. it can happen the next minute, the next hour, the next day… I don't know"_ he slowly looks up to meet jungwon's eyes once again. his heart starts sinking. 

_"then I met you. suddenly, time went so slow and everyday I wished for it to go even slower because I didnt want to let this opportunity go. who would've thought that variety number 20 park jongseong, the MVP will become my boyfriend. it was such a dream– you were a dream._ _those five years were the best years of my life...you have no idea. for a moment, I forgot about my direction and went to explore more. I was lost for a while," he sadly laughed._

he never once wished to see it like this. the eyes that jay wished would only sparkle and turn itself to a crescent moon shape every time he looks at it were now puffy and red. 

_"but all I know is that I want to be with you till my last breath. every pain I felt was nothing knowing you will be beside me so thank you for everything. thank you for loving me until the end. sorry for being selfish that I never once thought of how this will affect you, but I came under no regrets after doing so. because for the last time, I knew I was happy. I knew we were both happy," he smiled. "someone once asked me to think of a word that I associate one person with, and I thought of you. the word I came up with was 'enough'. having you in my life was enough– you, alone was enough to keep me living even though I was on the edge of giving up."_

_there was a slight pause._

_"jay hyung…life without you is like looking at the night sky without a single star nor a moon present. forever with you feels like a treasure that I don't want to let go of. I don't know how long is forever, but what I am sure of is that I want to be with you even way beyond that. and if we are lucky enough in our next life, in another world, and in another universe where our paths will meet again, I'll still choose you"_

jay sobs harder in between his knees as he listens, and avoids jungwon's miserable gaze from the screen. he listens to his voice attentively– word by word, breath by breath and follows up the lyrics that younger sings about his sorrow, his regrets and his love. 

_"my race ends here, hyung. I was so blinded by the idea of just running with you until the end that my line became invisible... but hey, I finally made it. so don't pull yourself back anymore and keep running until you reach yours. I will be there with my arms wide open, waiting for you to come home to me, patiently. I promise you. you are my start line as well as my finish line, and that should be enough reason for me to go, right? I'll be cheering for you. I'll run along with you too," jungwon took a deep breath, eyes shut, lips curved upwards emphasising his deep beautiful dimples._

_a tear ran down his cheek._

_"I won't be able to say this in person since I am bad at goodbyes, but if this is the last time then..." he smiles, "I'm yang jungwon, and I am here to announce to the world that I am so madly and deeply in love with you, park jongseong."_ and the screen turned pitch black. 

and I'm park jongseong here to announce that I will never stop loving you, yang jungwon.

**Author's Note:**

> if you cried, that's on you  
> if you didn't, good job you have survived produce jaywon !
> 
> bts of this fic is that I wanted to write a story where jay gets left behind instead of the usual order hahaha making jay cry. 
> 
> how sad was this fic even?? and I actually don't even know the exact direction of the story. I didn’t plan on making it this long, but hope it somehow made sense. 
> 
> omg sorry one more thing, I don't know if you noticed, but I put some song references throughout the fic hehe. 
> 
> act like you love me - shawn mendes  
> born for you - david pomeranz (song jay sang)  
> you! - lany  
> for now - lauv  
> 
> 
> anyways come scream at me on twt @hoonseungiee


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